I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Mom said you looked used
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
