I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
