shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
