3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
