He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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