I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
