I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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