I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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