If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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