yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
