The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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