I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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