sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
