did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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