dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
