If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
