Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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