mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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