It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
