my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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