apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
