my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
