if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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