dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
