Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
