i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
