have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
