best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize