I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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