did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
