It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
