Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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