You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
