we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
