the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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