just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
