Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
