I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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