We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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