Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
