She is in my trunk
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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