Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
