I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
