Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My dick has a subreddit
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
