i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
