A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You smell like stripper and shame
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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