okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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