my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
