that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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