it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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