I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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