tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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