Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
