I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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