There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
