Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What a dumb baby whore.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
