dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
