SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
