At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
