The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
