Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
