your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
