She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
