Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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