I accidentally burped into my bong.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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