you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize