i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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