He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
