somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
